I haven't updated this for ages!!! actually, i have so many blogs already. . .That i've almost forgotten about this one. hehe no matter, no matter. ^-^

when i was young, i overheard my cousin telling my sisters and hers to not take me with them. she simply didn't like me with them. she said i was OA and pikon. That was the first backstab someone ever did to me. i wanted to disprove her--to show her that i wasn't OA or pikon and that i would have friends who would always want to have me around. . .

but i feel like a loser now. i feel like the world's really just plastic. I feel like, it's just me and God against the world. yeah.

I was always carefree and always conscious if what i was doing was bad. Now. . .all has changed. . .i don't know who i am now or what i want. i want to get mad at the world and just lock myself up in my room. i want to brood over that one person who made me feel this way. I'm no good to you. i feel so evil when i'm with you, like nothing i ever did was good. You think you're so good. I'm sure you find me annoying. I'm not like you. My opinions are different from yours. my view of life is different from yours. You think you're so good, you don't even know how to advice me well! you think my mind's closed and that i don't like listening. well that's what you think. But you know what, your advices are like those advices id get from my friends when we were still in gradeschool! your advices are for gradeschool! You make me feel like i'm level with the ground.

Your sorry wont ease this pain so you don't have to say that. Afterall, it was my fault. Right?

--this came from my multiply. hehe

i'm happy though for  God's blessings. For making me feel this way. it's a way of growng up. Another challenge. To other people this would be easy, but to me? well, i feel like i really am terminally ill just thinking of how to get through this attiude problem per se. i hate this. i hate having to feel bad about someone. All the more do i hate having to think that i'm evil and that i can't do anything right. And having to have someone to keep rubbing it in to my face, dang.

it's been a while. i feel like i've changed half of my personality when i was in high school. Though i'm not really sure cuz i don't always have my high school friends to remind me of what kind of a person i was in high school.

i miss you guys. but for now, i guess, i just wanna be alone. with my family. and God.

Mia, your movie star double is Jennifer Lopez

   A magnetic maven like you needs to be played by someone who knows how to get an audience's attention — and keep it. That's why Jennifer Lopez would be a great leading lady in the movie of your life. You've got a certain star quality that makes people applaud whatever you decide to put your energy into. Regardless of whether you match J Lo's glamorous look, her mega-diva glow will help translate your stunning charisma to the silver screen.

   Back in high school, were you the one in the spotlight — star of the school play, student council president, and popular girl around town? Well, with your charms, you should have been. There's just something about you that has people screaming for more. But that's a good thing since you probably thrive when you're being social, surrounded by people, or getting out and about.

   If some people perceive you as high maintenance, you can just tell them that you have high expectations. If you're willing to work so hard on yourself, why can't other people do the same? So get ready for the new cast in the movie of your life headed by none other than J Lo herself.

 

   grabe, ang kuhlit ng last entry dun sa blog ni jhoelle. . .ang kuhlit talaga. . .grabe. . .ngayon lang ulit ako nakabasa ng wholesome na nakakatawang blog. . .or miss ko lang talaga siya?

 

   somehow, the feeling that i don't belong anywhere makes me sad, but id always find this certain feeling of joy whenever i talk to God.
   sometimes i'd rather be alone. . .then, i'd have a "conference" with God and my inner-soul. We'd talk about my mistakes and how to correct them. . .the bad stuff i did and the bad stuff i do. . .stuff like that.

   When I entrusted my life to God, there were times when i couldn't understand what i was going through, and times when everything seemed to go the way i wanted it. There were times when I'd ask God to give me something and He'd give it to me, and times He wouldn't. I, then, would get disappointed. . .but later, I'd understand that what i wanted wasn't meant for me because God's going to give me something better. There were also times when I couldn't understand why i make mistakes when i've already entrusted everything to Him, but then again, I realized they were for me to learn. I also realized that whatever i did, and whatever God wants me to do, affects someone--it can be a friend or a friend's friend or a friend of a friend's friend or anyone! Everything happens for everyone's good.

God does love His creation.

   When I entrusted my life to God, everything went well and i'd always be happy that i met Him.

 

   Dear God,

            thank You for yesterday. I had fun. Thank You for my parents, who made all the arrangements. You know I didn't ask for anything special or anything fancy, like a simple dinner at home with my family would do. But You still made it possible to have my friends over at my celebration. Though everything was simple, it was a blast because of those who came. . .dane, asian, joray, marti, thea, zena, kara, ann, linette, czarmi, bia, aleli, miko, roy, carlo, ge, adielle, edrei and edward. . .mom, who was there to make sure everything was okay. . .bianca, my sister, who paid half of the expenses. . .lic-lic and arnold, bianca's friends, ate jappy and ate noelle. They're al blessings from You , oh Lord.
            Even if my dad wasn't able to come, i know why he didn't and i appreciate everything that he did for me. and neil, my brother, well. . .i understand that he had to finish something in school. and for those who couldn't come, they have their reasons and i understand them and i also thank You for them.
            Lord, i love you. Thank you for loving me too.

this i pray, in Your mighty Son, Jesus Christ,
my Lord and Savior,
Amen.

 

     i don't feel terri-bi-ble anymore!!! yipee!!! happiness is a choice. i had my journal last summer to remind me that. sheesh. i am so forgetful. God is with me so i must not despair.

     i was reading through my personal journal last summer and it was so funny. . .i shared it with micky and we found a lot of stuff about ourselves that added more color to this already colorful world we're in.  but there was one page there that wasn't an entry about me or him or about anyone else. it was a prayer. . .and he was the answer to that prayer.  

i don't regret a moment with you cuz i know we'll pull through.
though we don't know what tomorrow will bring, hand-in-hand, together with God,
that 3years will be too soon.

     anyway, i was able to talk to asian a while ago. geush. i missed her. a lot. now i still don't have anything to wear for tuesday. [hehe, like that doesn't connect with the first thing i said. hehe]

 

   okay, before you judge me of believing that these tests can tell me who i am or what kind of a person i am. . .well, i don't take these tests seriously but i answer them them with honesty. it's just for fun anyway.

 

Mia, your crush is the Class President

   Hello, First Lady. A smart and motivated gal like you should set your sights high when it comes to your crush. Forget the slackers or burnouts. You should go for a guy who's got brains, ambition, and people skills (good looks wouldn't hurt either). Only an achiever and well-liked beau will be able to keep up with a first-class lass like you.

   A guy who's heading up the student council, spearheading a car-wash fundraiser, and winning everyone over with his charisma and charm is the right candidate for you. He's the responsible type who'll make Mom and Dad proud. And you'll feel proud when your next stop is the campaign trail or The White House!

(http://web.tickle.com/tests/eyecatch/)

 

 

     Have you ever felt so deprived? To the point that when you see someone doing that thing you're supposed to be doing, you can't help but cry? You know you want it, you know you deserve it, but you also know that you can't have it. But still you can't accept the fact that it just isn't meant for you.

     Renn is 17. medium built. fair skin. God-fearing. moody. unpredictable. playful. adventurous. finds happiness in the simplest and littlest things in life. Loves her friends. Hates hypocrites (con artist, shams, the-great-pretenders) & back stabbers. skeptical. dubious. how she spends her time depends on her parents. how she decides always depends on her parents verdict. how she walks, talks, or act, all were from her parents. she was taught to be dependent on her parents.

     Renn is a special child, like you and i are special. She was gifted with special skills she's always very thankful for. But if she regrets having those skills was a question she had to answer to herself.

     When she was sixteen she joined a group. They formed a band and named it SAKARISTA. she was getting along with them pretty well and eventually became fond of playing with them. Her parents didn't want her to be involved in such groups because it eats up her time. So she told sakarista that she'd have to stop every school year and be back during vacation. During her "leave", a new member joined them. His name was Vahn. He was talented. The all-around type of guy. He became lead guitarist.
     Before turning seventeen, she came back. She met Vahn and they became good friends. Her parents found out about this and became stricter with her. They didn't let her go with the group most of the time, afraid that their daughter might fall in love with Vahn and get too used hanging out with the band. Yet, she didn't want to let go of the band. The more her parents stopped her from joining the band the more she felt that she had to be with the band. But she promised her parents that when the next school year comes, she'd stop playing with them. So she did. because despite how much she wanted to be with the band, a promise is a promise and she wouldn't dare disobey her parents.

     She didn't know Vahn enjoyed her company and wanted to spend time with her always. They became close friends and eventually, he fell in love with her. But things became worse for Renn.
     Renn's parents started restricting her from joining the band and spending time with Vahn. He made things hard for her. But she knew that nothing was complicated with her situation so why was she having a hard time? she soon realized that she had fallen in love with the band and with Vahn as well.

     She knew she had to choose. She felt that that was what God wanted her to do. She knew she couldn't fall in love with two things at the same time, but does that go with her situation? Why couldn't she fall in love with the band at the same time? And she knew why. It eats up her time. It occupies her thoughts.

You can't love and have two things you at the same time
like you can't play the piano and the bass at the same time.

     She couldn't figure out if that's true, but she knew she had to choose. Her studies was an important factor and she can't give that up for the band or for Vahn.

     Christmas vacation came and she was still hooked up with the band. She found out that someone had replaced her. But she was gifted with talent and could play any instrument she chooses to play. and  because they knew she can also play the guitar and the piano they asked her to rejoin sakarista and play either of the two instruments she knows how to play. Yet Renn knew what she wanted. She was given time to think and finally decided that what she really wanted was vahn.

     From that time she left the band, a lot has changed. Numerous issues and problems. She couldn't help being sad for that group she once belonged to. She still tries to keep up with them and hang around with them once in a while. But things are not the same. The band leader found out that she could sing while playing the guitar and asked her to join them again but she refused to. She had made that choice and she doesn't want to regret that. She's sad about not playing with them and not getting to hold that instrument she hardly knew. She hates being sad seeing someone else playing that instrument she had fallen in love with. And no matter how hard she tried to get hold of that instrument, she just couldn't. Maybe it really wasn't meant for her.

     It's been months and Renn is now happy with her choice. She still finds it hard to accept that she had been replaced, and that she can't bring those good old jamming days back. . .but she knows, it wil all be worth it. God wants her somewhere else.

 

i look at her, at him
she looks at me, he looks at me
i smile, but they don't know
it's a sham

i try to hide it
and ive always been successful
tell me,
who can read me?

he's new, she's new
to my circle, i say
they don't have any idea how hurt i am
how they crush my pride into pieces

i can't see why i cant have you
ive learned to love you
id do anything to hold you
to make everyone see how good we look together

i have flaws
i don't deny that
but what good is a talent
if you can't develop it anyway.

this won't get anywhere
i see him, i see her,
they're happy doing that
they just don't know

he, she,
they're depriving me through what they're doing
my ecstacy, my source of pleasure
they took it away.

i let them
but not for long.
what's for them is for them.
i will have my happiness.